It’s Been A Long Time Coming

Posted 12/02/22
As the title suggests it’s been a long time coming, too long in fact. Lots of things have happened through this weird pandemic phase humanity is going through, and I know there’s been radio silence through my end. Even though I haven’t used social media to its full extent, there is an explanation for why I’ve been so quiet.

For the last few years I have been busy with such things as freelance editing, my first book release in the first wave of the pandemic, obtaining a diploma, acquiring a new occupation, and the hardest thing I had to accept: stepping back as a freelance editor. Despite how editing became more of a grind—which started costing me more time and output in the long run—I learned that I’d pushed myself far too much. It wasn’t how I wanted to live.

For me writing is therapeutic, a way to communicate ideas and concepts I usually can’t articulate into coherent words. It’s a form of expression that helps others peer into the depths of someone else’s live without feeling as though you’re invading their privacy. It’s a journey that reveals where someone once was to where they are now. It’s a way to connect with artistic content and find solace within the chaos of life, especially with how the current climate is evolving.

This expressionism started to die out within me while I was editing other people’s manuscripts nearly 24/7 for a year and a half. Every day was the same: I’d get up, edit, have food, continue to edit, do more editing, liaison with clients, do more editing—you get the idea. Eventually I burned out and mentally crashed, which made me see just how much I was pushing myself beyond my limits. I was constantly processing vast amounts of information, learning everything I could while I worked myself asunder. I needed a break, I needed stability, I needed to step back.

This resulted with realising how earning my keep had become unsustainable due to the ever-changing shifts present in the financial markets. At the start of February 2021, I had to make a decision, one I didn’t want to accept: I had to step back from editing and operating my own business.

At that time in February another thing dawned on me. My own writing had suffered as a consequence of being obsessed with editing. I was working myself into a state of oblivion, even to the point where I stopped keeping track of dates and times, to where I stopped considering writing my own stories. After seven years of being on this writing journey, I had come to the conclusion that I’d fully stopped doing what I loved. My passion was gone, my focus wavered, and above all I felt like I’d disappointed those who’d read my first book. I felt like I would never write a second book no matter how much I rewrote the plot and made it more complex. The entire situation made me feel shit. Even depression said hello again.

To get myself out of this mess I decided to remove myself from the situation and concentrate on me. After all, I had technically neglected my own wellbeing and kept doing things for others instead, wearing myself out to the point of exhaustion. That wasn’t how I wanted to be. That wasn’t how I wanted to live.

Fast forward to the last quarter of 2021, second lockdown in New Zealand had happened and I had a few job interviews in limbo. That situation was the first chance for me to focus on myself and what I wanted to do, so I thought about how I wanted to be an author and do things in my own stride. I still wanted to fully control my product and continue creating weird stories that were full of hope and despair, emotional roller-coasters, with a focus on psychological aspects that are often seen within our society. But above all else, I just want people to connect and feel the characters and events within my stories, to relate to them on another level.

This leads me to the final revelation—Project Psychosis. This is the codename for the first novella I shaped out six years ago, but making it into a full novel has been kicking my ass. It’s a huge story with loads of theory, religion and realities, a story which nearly mirrors New Zealand’s current situation. This is one reason why it’s been so hard for me to write, and the other reason is because I feel like it’s not the right time for that sort of story to come out. It feels like it’s not fully fleshed out, even though I have worked extensively with the protagonist for the last six years. For those who have read Woeful Requiem, I feel like you’ll have a better understanding of what I mean.

So there we have it, a brief introduction as to why I’ve been silent. Even though I pushed myself a lot and felt like I’d let lots of people down (including myself), I want to return to what I was doing before 2020 and work towards creating, fleshing out and finishing Project Psychosis by October 2022. I’ll have more news about that in the coming months and will keep my website updated about such things. If you’ve supported me by purchasing a copy of my book, liked the VSS (Very Short Story) content I’ve done on Twitter, or have even had a chat or interacted with me online, I want you to know that I appreciate the support.